Now what?

All my life I have been told what to do…

All my life, I have been alone due to choices or decisions, decided for me.

No one has ever taught me how to decide for myself, or how to choose what is best for me…

I’ve lived the past two decades of my life, making others happy, listening to everyone’s problems, being their when they need someone most, being the best friend I never had.

I’ve lived the cruelty of bullies, of my own demons, of my voices telling me how useless I was, how I am never good enough for anyone or anything, how I don’t deserve the best, but the worst.

So, people shouldn’t be surprised at how quiet I am, of how easily depressed and lonely I am, of how distrusting I am of others, of how hard it is for me to make friends, or how hard it is for me to open up, of how uninspired or unmotivated I am with life.

I’ve been hiding in my glass bubble for two decades, always looking out, with no one looking in. Always on the other side of happiness, always alone, and always isolated from others.

So, now…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach my life. I don’t know how to be selfish. I don’t know how to silence the voices. I am confused. And I am alone. I just don’t know what to do now.

Hmmm…

That time of the year, when I consume more than the comfortable amount of alcohol that I should…

Where I feel the infinite amount of loneliness and depression creep up and take hold of me…

When I realize how vain it is of me to think or feel as if people actually like me as a person.

Or when I stop and remember who I am as in individual and remind myself how much better it is to be alone.

Or alas, when my heart breaks into a million pieces when I feel the lack of warmth in my heart and bones, when I can feel my heart freezing over from the lack of love I never allowed myself to have…

Happy Holidays Everyone, don’t let your inner demons get you, and get you down. Be merry, be happy, and I hope you all get what you want most in life.

That moment…

When your body and mind become overwhelmed with emotions, that come from no where and everywhere. Where you question your existence, your life, and realize you have not lived at all. The moment where you want to run nowhere at all but you need to run or else you know your gonna breakdown at some point during the day. Your throat is holding back words and sounds that you don’t want to let escape, your chest gets tighter and tighter. It gets harder to breathe and you can feel your body tremble, and you turn round and round, but no one notices how much you want to scream. You want to break something, you want to live, you want to love, you want to be you and breathe. You feel incomplete, nonexistent, overwhelmed by your thoughts in your head. That dangerous moment in life, where your on the brink from life and death. From being here to being lost forever. 

…OH GOD I MISS HIM!!!!!

AND I ATE LIKE A FRAT GUY!! I’M SO FAT!

Reality:

Well…

I know what I’m gonna do tomorrow…

Everyone stay away from me…

Ugh…

So I’m finally at that point in life where I don’t know what the F I want….

I don’t want to go to work…and I just started like a month ago!

I don’t know what to study in school because everything I like to do, pays close to nothing…

Ugh….I just want to do what I love and be able to do what I want….but that’s not possible now is it?