All my life I have been told what to do…
All my life, I have been alone due to choices or decisions, decided for me.
No one has ever taught me how to decide for myself, or how to choose what is best for me…
I’ve lived the past two decades of my life, making others happy, listening to everyone’s problems, being their when they need someone most, being the best friend I never had.
I’ve lived the cruelty of bullies, of my own demons, of my voices telling me how useless I was, how I am never good enough for anyone or anything, how I don’t deserve the best, but the worst.
So, people shouldn’t be surprised at how quiet I am, of how easily depressed and lonely I am, of how distrusting I am of others, of how hard it is for me to make friends, or how hard it is for me to open up, of how uninspired or unmotivated I am with life.
I’ve been hiding in my glass bubble for two decades, always looking out, with no one looking in. Always on the other side of happiness, always alone, and always isolated from others.
So, now…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to approach my life. I don’t know how to be selfish. I don’t know how to silence the voices. I am confused. And I am alone. I just don’t know what to do now.
When your body and mind become overwhelmed with emotions, that come from no where and everywhere. Where you question your existence, your life, and realize you have not lived at all. The moment where you want to run nowhere at all but you need to run or else you know your gonna breakdown at some point during the day. Your throat is holding back words and sounds that you don’t want to let escape, your chest gets tighter and tighter. It gets harder to breathe and you can feel your body tremble, and you turn round and round, but no one notices how much you want to scream. You want to break something, you want to live, you want to love, you want to be you and breathe. You feel incomplete, nonexistent, overwhelmed by your thoughts in your head. That dangerous moment in life, where your on the brink from life and death. From being here to being lost forever.
I hate those moments in life, when you just want to sit and cry…
Cry at life, at your thoughts, your reality, your past, everything!
You don’t want to do it! But sometime its what you really need…especially if hugs aren’t in your list of choices!
To just let it all out…and cry…I hate crying!
…this is more like it…
Ugh…………………hate these moments…
I don’t know what to do…
I’m restless, confused, conflicted…like…ugh
What to do…what to do…
Need to get myself out of this…limbo!
lol I think he killed the last of my ambitions…
OMG…why is life better when your in love? It works out so fucking smoothly!
So lately I’ve been thinking a lot…A LOT!!
Like, will I ever get married or have kids? Or really fall in love with another guy? Or hey, maybe a girl? Will I be happy? Will I miserable? What’s gonna happen when I die?
EXACTLY! Ugh, I never think like this…for it to happen now kind of freaks me out!
I don’t know what to do!!! I’M LOSING MY MIND!!!
My brother’s reaction:
I have this huge urge to move forward in my life, but I’m afraid that if I do everything behind me will collapse. And what lies behind me is already torn, destroyed, and ruined. By me sticking around to fix it would take my whole life, and its not worth something fixing. So I have to find the strength in me to move forward…but maybe I’m scared of falling. For fear that if and when I fall I won’t know how to pick myself back up, or have someone show me how. I’m afraid that by moving forward I’ll lose a lot of people in my life, people that hurt me, ruin me, and just confuse the living hell out of me. I have to leave them, so that one day when I come back to them, I’ll know how to fix them, right? Maybe I should stop thinking of them, they’ve never thought of me…so I should leave. So that I can be the happiness they’ve never had, because by staying I’ll only face their demise, their repetition. So I should move forward and only look back to wave goodbye or hello, nothing more. Because the last thing I want is to be them, because I hate them.
So I’m finally at that point in life where I don’t know what the F I want….
I don’t want to go to work…and I just started like a month ago!
I don’t know what to study in school because everything I like to do, pays close to nothing…
Ugh….I just want to do what I love and be able to do what I want….but that’s not possible now is it?
Honestly…what is so bad about being quiet!!!
I don’t bother anyone!
Never argue or speak really loud!
Nor am I disrespectful!
So…….WHAT’S THE PROBLEM!!!
Ever get those moments when there is so much to do with your life that its almost overbearing?
Like you could do anything, literally…but when it comes time to choose you don’t know which step or path to take…because there’s so much…
And for a moment you have to step away or else you just get so scared or overwhelmed by so many things….you feel lost for a moment…
…I think too much…